You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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