I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
