i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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