i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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