Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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