Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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