don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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