Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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