morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
