I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
