my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
