Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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