Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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