The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
