I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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