It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
