making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
