cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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