I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
