Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
