So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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