The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize