Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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