Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I could make wine with my vomit
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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