Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
