I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
