Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
pray to the hookup gods
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