There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
