If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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