so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize