i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
