what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
