Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
