He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
