The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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