she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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