My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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