Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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