Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
