Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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