I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
