Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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