If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i will never coherently bang her
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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