I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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