Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
