I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
