is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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