at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
