every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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