Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The ass gains better be worth it
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