Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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