I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize