Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize