OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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