I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
