apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize