Please, let me fuck your mom
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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