i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
