I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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