My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
