dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
