This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
