One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
