I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
