he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
