I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
