he wants to bone in the snuggie
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
