you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
